THE FORKIE PHILOSOPHER

During the rise of video shops there was a real mixed bag of titles on offer and the selection often varied from store to store. Everybody knew the stuff being released that was previously in the cinemas. I am not sure of the exact duration, but there was always a decent hiatus between the end of a movie’s cinema run and its arrival on the video store shelves. There was always a clambering for the latest new release.

The real treasure hunt however, was wandering through the genre sections, trawling through the movies that were in cinemas God only knows when. No internet to look such things up or find reviews and/or rankings. The only information you had was on the cover of that box. Usually, the title of the movie, the image/s and the tagline on the front; some stills and a short description of the story on the back. The films rating (G, PG, M or R) and the genre it was labelled with would provide some additional info.

Other than that, if you hadn’t seen a preview on a tape you had rented earlier, it was pure word of mouth. One point of call would be the grown-ups. They had seen so much stuff (it seemed to us) and they were not shy when it came to giving their opinions.

“This one’s the fucken grouse!”

“That is shithouse!”

One of my father’s thumbs down sayings was “very fucking ordinary”.

They rarely left any room for nuance. It wasn’t uncommon for a random oldie to feel compelled to introduce us youngsters to a bona fide classic we just had to see! Having a stranger point out their great pick was another way of stumbling on a gem. As the years went by, anyone could have seen something awesome that you had been overlooking and their recommendation could be the impetus you needed.

Those early years were so much fun for all involved it seemed. The ever-increasing catalogue of movies available offered viewing options we had never known. The video store was a playground for all ages. The excitement could be contagious! Sharing a good find was part of the experience, especially in the genre sections. If you’re browsing this section, you are probably a fan: “have you seen this one?”

My big sister was a horror fan back then and she treated us to “Rosemary’s Killer” AKA “The Prowler”, a nasty slasher based on a genre section tipster. I still remember her telling us that some guy told her it was a gorefest. “Knives in the head and pitchforks” he said. I guess you met such people in the horror section.

Although ‘section’ might give an impression of a spacious purpose-built store. Remember that this was the early days, where most video stores were just converted shops. The “horror section” wasn’t a separate aisle; it was just a separate shelf. People would be crammed in there during peak times.

Which reminds me of another source of suggestions: the staff and the videos playing on the telly on or behind the counter non-stop. Every store had its own fountain of film knowledge standing right there at the counter. Even if they weren’t Tarantinoesque film geeks, they were immersed in movies for every shift.

They played whatever they fucken liked on that thing too. The porn/violence paradox was in play of course. They wouldn’t have explicit sex scenes playing, but ultra-violence was fine; R rating be damned! I’m talking early days here.

I remember one evening in the video shop my father took us to. They were playing George A. Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead” on the screen. My sister and I weren’t the only kids in there, yet nobody seemed bothered. A security guard being pursued through a shopping mall by cannibalistic zombies, desperately blasting a shotgun into them with blood splattering all over the place. Probably no more violent than a Looney Tunes cartoon now that I think of it; just more blood.

My dad and sister asked the person behind the counter, and I will never know if they were told or heard a different title. The next time we visited, we rented “The Evil Dead” (1981). Freaked me right out!!! Overall horror ratings aside, it took me years to figure out what that “Dead” movie was we had seen in the store. There was nowhere to go and look that shit up.

So now we come to the number 1 source of movie recommendations: the school playground and friends in general. The classic “have you seen the one…” conversation. For “The Evil Dead” I would go with “…where the sheila gets stabbed in the ankle with a pencil?”. Or maybe “where the chick gets raped by a tree”. Kids really shouldn’t have been watching that shit! Most of those questions were regarding a grotesque, risqué or hilarious scene.

“Have you seen the one where the guy and girl are screwing and the killer stabs them both with a spear?”

That wasn’t the only form of recommendation, I just find it the most intriguing. We would just as often be telling each other about “the funniest movie” or “this awesome action flick”. We rarely discussed “that poignant drama that really captures the human experience” though.

“I haven’t been moved like this since the Joy Luck Club”

Jimbo Jones

(The Simpsons – Homer vs. Patty and Selma) [S06E17]

The other interesting gap in our film literacy was the release date of all these films; which movie came out when? Not something the average viewer cared about at the time. After all the dates would’ve been somewhere on the cover if you were that keen. No, it only became a concern for us film buffs in later years.

Which film was older? “Dawn of the Dead” or “The Evil Dead”?

Or for slasher fans: “Halloween” or “Friday the 13^th” or “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”?

It matters in terms of originality and inspiration.

What order do the James Bond films go in?

Basic film trivia that is so easy to find nowadays. The kind of stuff that only matters to geeks. Guess what I was/am?

Such a bizarre way to explore the back catalogue of cinema. The ability to watch feature films, uncut and uninterrupted (fucken TV edits & commercials!) with no chronological sequence other than when the distributers got around to putting a title onto tape. In a strange way the original video generation was introduced to films according to our own unique timeline, and that was our order of release dates.

A list of films in order of their release on VHS or Beta rather than theatrical release. Not even I’m that big of a geek…I would love to check it out if it was done though. Has it by any chance?