THE FORKIE PHILOSOPHER

Another phrase that would make me rich if I had a dollar for every time I heard it. The simple label is “lazy bastard’ and very often it is correct. If that satisfies you, then I hope you have a nice day and come back to read something else in the future. If you prefer a closer inspection, please read on.

Beginning with what might be considered the other side of the workplace boundary coin, the person who accepts extra work will soon be expected to do it all the time. Ever have that happen? You jump in to cover for someone and before you notice, that someone has passed the torch to you. Deliberate or not, it is annoying at best and can soon become overwhelming if you are holding multiple torches along with your own.

“Thanks for all your hard work” just doesn’t cut it as you slowly become aware that no benefit, either financial or that fantasy of a lighter load ahead, will come from your helpfulness. Acknowledgement in the form of praise, maybe even some bullshit award that has no value whatsoever, or at the very best some pissy gift card may be your only reward; you may also get none of these.

The only recognisable difference in your working life will be more work and higher expectations. Step into your supervisor’s shoes. They have X number of staff to do Y amount of work. Not all workers will provide the same amount of output or competency. Not all workers will provide the same amount of whinging, fuckups and headaches.

A supervisor is first and foremost responsible for getting the day-to-day tasks completed efficiently as possible. They must achieve this with the staff they have available. 9 workers on paper and the cost of those people are the only thing corporate sees; they are not interested in individual personalities, attitudes and work ethics.

“We are paying 9 workers, so get it done!”

It’s inevitable that the supervisor is going to lean on the ones who work harder, to cover for the shirkers; the path of least resistance and all that. There will be a whole other post for a deep dive into that phenomenon.

So, they are the most obvious motivations: preventing exploitation or just being a deadshit. Another important one that may go unnoticed is demarcation. When “that’s not my job” literally means “that is someone else’s job” and if I do it, I am participating in that person losing work. Which in the long run is a loss for all workers involved.

It is a fine line between covering for someone and annexing their duties and it often happens so gradually you may not notice until you are swamped. This is a dilemma the loafer will never have to face; in fact, they have probably employed variations on the method many times to lessen their workload a little bit more. Call them lazy; call them assholes! But you cannot deny they have a talent; albeit a dishonourable one.

The conundrum falls squarely on Mr Reliable’s shoulders, and it will not sit comfortably. Torn between being a good worker and being a good workmate. He genuinely wants to be helpful; to earn his pay. Thus, he will do what his supervisors ask and pick up any slack if he gets a chance. If he uses moderation he may avoid being ridden into the ground.

The supervisor is happy with his performance, yet he risks unwittingly pissing off his coworkers. Sometimes that ‘lazy bastard’ has a valid point. If you do the work of two people, eventually that will become the norm. Before you know it, that task is the first place to lose a body in a pinch. Slowly but surely, duties that were split between two or more people wind up a body down.

Mr Reliable’s helping hand has now made that particular job more difficult and created a path for corporate cutbacks. Probably not a popular guy at this point. This would also be about the time that our righteous local loafer steps in and reminds everyone that his total lack of effort is done for the overall benefit of the team – cockhead!

Ever notice how it’s always the uncooperative sloths that are so quick to proclaim “we work as a team here” when they need assistance; and the very same people who cannot be found when anyone else is under the pump. “The Team” seems to be a generic phrase manipulators use to strengthen their facades. These noble pillars of worker’s rights who are never around when things get hectic.

The other “not my job” angle is a hodgepodge hierarchical model. All skill-sets being equal, it usually goes on seniority. The last person in gets last pick of the assignments. Most senior staff member gets the cream. Although it never works out quite that structured.

In my near 40 years in warehouses and factories, I am yet to find a workplace with a system that allocates this hazy system equitably. In the end, the squeaky wheels get the grease, and the authentic team-players get used up. A person who has been there for five years is mucking around, while a person with many more years of service is busting their ass. It’s just too painful for management to try and get the pompous passenger to lift their game.

That’s about all I can come up with for now. Of course, you can mix and match any or all of these to create hybrids, but, for me, the distinction is around the motive. If you are doing it to prevent your own burnout or to slow down callous corporate downsizing, you are being pragmatic. You finally understand that ‘carrying the company’ just leaves you with a broken back and shattered illusions about what’s “fair”.

The Darkside? Well, they come in all shapes and sizes: Outright lazy bullshit artists, overzealous ‘fuck the company’ warriors, arrogant wankers who think they deserve special treatment and many more.

Have fun plugging these characters into different combinations of the “not my job” versions. Or maybe not; that’s not your fucken job anyway!